


Dancing in the light

by sherbal



Category: Chernobyl (HBO)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 17:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19010338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherbal/pseuds/sherbal
Summary: It begins with death and ends with love.





	Dancing in the light

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Dancing in the light 光中舞](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18967783) by [sherbal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherbal/pseuds/sherbal). 



> To get to a broader audience, I want to translate my work to English. So yeah, bear with my awkward translation and do enjoy!
> 
> And holy cow, you guys, can you believe that the Chinese version of this fic is over 9k and the English translation is just above 6k. Wow, I wonder what got lost in here.

1\. Death

Maybe it was after his friend died from a lab explosion back at the Mendeleev institute, Valery no longer is afraid of death. Someone you just saw in the corridor this morning, turns into a lifeless corpse in the afternoon. Death is like a fickle but loyal friend, always lurking around him. Sometimes it’s the chemicals they are exposed to, maybe a car accident, or it’s just the time to die, people keep stepping into the darkness and never ever come back.

Valery thought, it’s not death that frightens him, it’s the mediocrity, the ordinariness. Having nothing to be proud about because the man accomplished nothing when lying on the death bed, reflecting on his whole empty life.

But facing death, could Valery take pride in what he had done his whole life?

He received his first doctoral level degree at age 36, and by 42 years old he already chaired the department of Radiochemistry at Moscow State University. He endeavored and prospered. He kept his head high but his eyes on the ground. He’s a scholar, a scientist, also a tired human being.

When death comes, no matter who they were before, every man becomes powerless. Politics has the same effect, ironically.

Valery thought, if there were a next life, he would want to go into the system. Facing death, he once wanted to be the beacon carrying hope in the great tumbling sea. Facing politics, he could only hope to be a firefly that no matter how dark the night is, his glow will at least light up that small patch of sky.

With the trash basket in his hand, Valery looked up to see the night sky once again, for the very last time. He took a deep breath to let the chilly air into his lungs. The KGB agent in the car across the street casted a casual glance at him, not knowing this was the last struggle of a tortured soul.

 

2\. Bureaucrat

Valery had indeed crossed paths with bureaucrats before, but who hadn’t?

Those suit-wearing smirking party men mostly come from a background of either military, or industry. They rose from the humble workers and soldiers to become the fat men that they once hated. They would always stress how they value and respect the intellectuals, but in fact they never do. Knowledge is nothing in the face of the power, many thought so smugly.

The same is true of Boris Shcherbina, who didn’t leave a good impression on Valery at first. He was like every self-righteous bureaucrat sitting behind a desk bossing people around, arrogant, head in the cloud and obsessed with vanity projects.

“Right, now I know how a nuclear reactor works, I don’t need you,” Shcherbina said unpleasantly.

Valery laughed bitterly. This Busy Mister Lazy was having delusions that he had already gained twenty years of lab experiences after hearing a brief report.

Since that 7AM phone call woke him up this morning, Valery knew he could never deal with Shcherbina. Scholars and bureaucrats are like they were made from the same poles of a magnet, what’t funny is that, they are more similar than they care to admit — both stubborn, too confident on their own opinions and sometimes, highly inflexible when it comes to certain things.

“Get us directly over the building!” Shcherbina commanded the pilot, “I have to see for myself.”

“Boris! If we fly…” Valery was shocked at the extent of Boris’s lacking of basic knowledge on what they are dealing with right now.

“Don’t use my name!” Shcherbina snapped, frowning at this kind of insolence and insubordination.

“If we fly directly over an open reactor, we’ll be dead within a week! Dead!” Valery grabbed Shcherbina by his sleeve and shouted over the noise of the buzzing helicopter.

“Get us over that building or I’ll have you shot!” Shcherbina shrugged out of his grasp and turned to yell at the pilot, wanting to restate his uncompromising authority.

“If you fly directly over that core, I promise you, you’ll be begging for that bullet tomorrow morning.” Valery got up and cried out to the cockpit. This is mad. Everyone is mad.

The pilot thought for a second then turned around the helicopter, making Valery fall on Boris. It came as a surprise when Shcherbina quickly steadied him with his hands then dragged Valery by his shoulder to put him back to his seat.

“Thank you.” Valery was wiping the sweat from his forehead using his tie.

“We sure will not regret we didn’t throw you out of the helicopter, right Professor?” Shcherbina said, after some awkward couple of minutes, while not raising his head from the report.

 

3\. Responsibility

“Apart from using sands and boron to smother the fire, we need to evacuate people of Pripyat immediately… ” Valery was once again cut off by Shcherbina.

“Your responsibility is to focus on putting out the fire, Legasov, you don’t need to worry about other things,” Shcherbina said distractedly, looking around to find his aid.

“I am focusing on the fire,” Valery frowned at him, “look, the wind is carrying all that smoke, all that radiation. You have to at least evacuate Pripyat which is three kilometers away.”

“Don’t tell me what to do. That’s my decision to make.” Shcherbina didn’t pay much attention to him. He started walking towards one of the tents and gestured his aid in.

Valery trotted to catch up to him, “Do you have any idea how many people are going to be hurt because of you not making your decision right now? Every second they stay in ignorance, they’ll take in at least a couple hundred Röntgen. They deserve the truth and an escape!”

“Listen, professor, I’ve been told not to. This isn’t my responsibility nor yours at the moment. This will go much easier if you talk to me about the things you understand and not about the things you don’t.” Shcherbina stopped and turned around to face Valery, his face cold and pale in the light. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get you five thousand tons of sands and boron.”

Valery stood outside the tent, silently shaking his head, until one of Shcherbina’s guards came out.

“Professor Legasov, deputy minister Shcherbina would like me to accompany you to the nearby hotel.”

“I can go myself.” Valery doesn’t need babysitters.

“The deputy minister said he’s responsible for your safe being. Would you like to get in the car?”

Damn his goddamn sense of responsibility. Why do they have to care so much about something so minute but not being able to shoulder the real responsibility of something really important?

Valery shot a gloomy look at the tent then lowered his head to follow the guard to their car.

 

4\. Distance

“There are fifty thousand people in Pripyat right now. You’ve seen how the helicopter fell apart because of the high radiation. These people shouldn’t be here any longer. It’s been a day since the explosion. You have to evacuate them as soon as possible.” Valery tried again to persuade Shcherbina back at the hotel. The man was apparently elated by the success of twenty drops today.

“Professor Ilyin, who is also on the commission same as you are, said the radiation here is not strong enough to evacuate. Now you can rest assured,” Shcherbina took off his jacket and threw it onto the bed. “Open the window, will you? It’s like a steam room here.”

“Ilyin is not a physicist.” Valery opened his pack of cigarettes wearily then put it back on the table.

“He’s a medical doctor. If he says it’s safe, then it’s safe. We are still staying here.” Shcherbina was in a good mood that he walked over and took one cigarette out of the pack.

“But it’s not! You still don’t understand. We’ll be dead in five years.” Valery shook his head frustratedly. He didn’t know any other ways to tell this horrible terrible truth,

Shcherbina was shocked. He stared at Valery with a baffled look in his eyes. He opened his mouth then closed it, like a fish out of the water.

“I’m sorry, I…” Valery also didn’t know how to apologize. He stepped forward, trying to give Shcherbina a pat on the shoulder, but decided against it then stepped back again. All he could do was saying “I’m sorry” over and over again.

Shcherbina collapsed on the armchair. He looked bewildered and even a bit frightened. Then all of a sudden, it was like he realized he still had a cigarette between his fingers, he put it in his mouth. He patted his pockets but found no lighter.

“Could you?” Shcherbina said gruffly, eyeing the lighter on Valery’s table.

Valery grabbed the lighter, walked over to Shcherbina, and handed it to him. But the older man didn’t take it. Valery got the hint and lit the cigarette for him.

After seeing Valery slowing retreating to his safe distance, Shcherbina gave him a weak smile. “Five years is certainly long enough to get some work done, isn’t it? Maybe we can start it by organizing some evacuations.”

 

5\. Joy

When those three brave boys safely walked out of that door, Shcherbina couldn’t help but clapping.

The water tank crisis was finally solved. Valery sighed with relief. He turned to find Shcherbina smiling at him, like a weary father-to-be that has been waiting long hours outside the delivery room finally hears his newborn’s first cry.

Valery looked at him with gleam in his eyes. This was probably the first time they shared some joys.

“Well done, comrades! There’s plenty of vodka for all of you!” Shcherbina waved at the boys, who all raised their glasses to greet him.

Deep down, Valery hoped this moment could be longer, just long enough to make you forget how much still need to be done.

When you only have five years left, you should cherish every cheery moment. On the way back to the car, Valery finally let out a smile.

 

6\. Advice

“Why do we need to take a walk?” Valery asked unpleasantly while taking a long drag on his cigarette.

“To see them,” Shcherbina pointed to those abandoned pet dogs on the lawn. He fished out a sausage from his pocket.

“They need to be liquidated, buried here. Like those animals in the forest. Those trees too. Even the soil. After three to five years, nothing alive should be able to leave here.” Valery watched Shcherbina throwing bits of the sausage to the dog pack following them.

“Are we included? Probably we should be buried here after cleaning up this mess.” Shcherbina said this like he was talking about the weather.

“See from comrade General Secretary’s attitude today, I guess I will be buried here.” Valery said sarcastically.

Shcherbina shot him a stern look, warning him not to say further more.

“We need to at least evacuate two hundred kilometers. Thirty is far from enough.” Valery brought up the topic again knowing that Shcherbina was still very much annoyed.

“Legasov, I’m tired. Don’t argue this with me. It’s not that simple.You need permissions, plans, personnels. Everything needs to be taken into consideration.” Shcherbina threw the last piece of sausage to the dogs and wiped his hands clean with a handkerchief.

“Then get permission, plans, and personnels! The evacuation zone shouldn’t be determined by some career party men based on nothing but mere ignorance!”

“I’m a career party man.” Shcherbina suddenly stopped and scolded him for his harsh accusations. “Watch your tongue, comrade Legasov!”

“Children will get leukemia. Women will give birth to babies that are deformed or with genetic diseases. People will get cancer, AA. When they are lying on their deathbed, they will ask, who killed them? Is this what you want? Even if every decision can not be made swiftly and easily, isn’t that what should be done? You and I will die in five years. What do we have to worry about?” Valery’s tears stung his eyes. He felt like he’s doing a meaningless struggle. Why does it have to be this hard to get everything done here? How could this happen in this country?

Shcherbina sighed. The shadows of the trees hid his face in the dark.

“I’ll do whatever I can,” Shcherbina said softly, his words quickly vanished into the winds. “But I do hope you could not always be this blunt. You’ll get in trouble for this. See these two over there?” Shcherbina motioned Valery to see that young couple from a distance.

“I’ve met them! I even talked to them.” Valery gasped.

Shcherbina smiled at him like a father to his child. “We are bugged. Our office, hotel rooms and even bathrooms. That’s why we should take a walk.”

Shcherbina walked on. Valery secretly glanced at the couple behind them and quickly caught up to the older man.

“Even as a career party man, my hands are tied. I can’t not protect you, Valery. Every man for himself. So be careful what you say. Everything can be held against you,” Shcherbina said quietly.

Leaves were rustling above them. Valery suddenly felt chilly.

 

7\. Bluntness

“What?” Shcherbina said after watching him for a while.

“I’m not good at this. I don’t know how. Lying, I mean.” Valery leaned against the wall, aimlessly going through his drawings.

“Have you ever spent time with the miners?” Shcherbina put down his pen and looked at Valery with careful eyes.

“No,” he shook his head, considering whether this answer made him look like he’s too detached from the people.

“Valery, my advice is, tell the truth,” Shcherbina got back to his report. “These men work in the dark. They see everything.”

At this time, the crew chief walked in casually. Valery stretched out a courteous smile. He couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Does this thing work?” The crew chief dropped the mask on Shcherbina’s desk. He knew this man is in charge here.

But Shcherbina was in no rush to give an answer. He turned to Valery. The crew chief sat in the chair facing him.

“To an extent, yes.” Valery nodded unconsciously, as if he was trying to convince himself.

The crew chief also nodded in silence. Then pointed a finger to Valery’s desk. This game him quite a fright. It was like the head miner was pointing at his conscience.

“Of course.” When Valery realized the crew chief meant his pack of cigarettes, he quickly put it in front of him.

The man took out one then put the rest in his breast pocket. Valery watched him doing so nervously, though he didn’t know exactly why.

“If this worked, you’d be wearing it.” The crew chief said to him. Those blue eyes hidden under the prominent eyebrow bones looked at him up and down.

“We do have some equipments on site. There will be more delivered here tomorrow. You can start working in the morning,” Shcherbina said, breaking this uncomfortable silence.

“No, we’ll start now. I don’t want my men here one more second than they need to be.” The head miner stood up and walked straight out of the door.

“Are they all like this?” Valery put out his long forgotten cigarette.

“Yes,” Shcherbina replied. After a while, he looked up to find Valery still staring blankly at the door, “Where’s our blunt Legasov? Huh? You told me I would be dead in five years this Wednesday and yesterday you blamed every death in Pripyat on me. But now, a miner could upset you this much, leaving you completely wordless.”

“Boris, don’t,” Valery shook his head, “I can’t. I didn’t mean to. No.” Without finishing his sentences, Valery rushed out of the door. He ran away.

Not until that night did Boris see Valery once again. He was at his desk, tugging his ginger hair.

“The fire is out, Valera.” Shcherbina said cheerfully, he poured some vodka into Valery’s cup.

Valery did now respond. Slightly hunched with his head down, he looked like a pupil afraid of his teacher’s reprimanding.

“Talk to me, Valery.” Shcherbina pushed the glass to him.

“Boris, I…” Valery suddenly stood up. His chair scraped on the floor. The cup tipped over, pouring vodka to his notes and maps.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He picked up his notes anxiously, shaking the liquid off. Shcherbina watched the handwritings get blurry.

“This is stupid. I’m sorry.” Valery shook his head again, like a hopeless crying child. He tried to wipe his maps by using his fatigue’s sleeves.

“Valery,” Shcherbina held his shoulders, “we need to take a walk.”

The taller man put his arm around him, taking him out of the trailer. The warm evening wind took away some of the strong alcohol smell on him.

They walked on the path in silence. The noises coming from trucks, soldiers and the construction sites all made this less awkward.

“Boris, I want to apologize,” Valery finally opened his mouth, “I shouldn’t be such a blunt idiot. I just want to help. We can’t be over optimistic about everything. These are real people, real lives. When one decision can impact millions’ lives, we have to be careful. Because we are the one sending them to die.”

“Even now, Valery,” Shcherbina looked down at him, “You are still that blunt. But I guess this is good. I admire blunt ones.”

They kept on walking, “My father was a railway worker. I began as a bricklayer. If there is one thing I learned from my youth is that you should trust blunt people. Because they have the most precious quality in them — sincerity. They see the truth and are not afraid to tell it. A country needs men like them to make it see the problems that are often avoided.”

He turned and once again threw an arm around Valery, “So don’t apologize for your bluntness, Valery. But you should be aware of who you’re talking to.”

Shcherbina had the half-bottle vodka on him. He took a sip then passed it to Valery. “You need this, Valera. You look so nervous.”

Valery looked up at Shcherbina, then took over the bottle and gulped a mouthful of it. The alcohol burned in his stomach. His blood vessels expanded. His heart beat faster. His pupil dilated. His brain stopped working all of a sudden. There was a calm, happy and secure feeling inside him.

The trucks were passing them. Valery remembered that one time his father took him to Moscow, holding his hand on the Red Square to see the traffic and the passers-by.

His eyes were half-closed. This feeling was so real. He felt like he’s on the clouds.

They stopped to wait for a truck to move. Valery leaned onto Shcherbina in a relaxed way, until suddenly exposed in the bright white light coming from above the construction site. He blinked, once and twice. He saw miners all naked, walking around shoveling, moving bags of sands, and yelling at each other.

My god, am I in heaven?

Valery was instantly drawn to this vibrant wild vitality. He stared at this bold savage scene with wide eyes.

“What?” The head minder walked over to them. His penis is like a small peach in the tree. His torso covered in sweat and dusts, “We’re still wearing the fucking hats.”

 

8.Players

“Comrade Shcherbina,” the first deputy minister of KGB Charkov walked into the restroom and greeted him. The meeting adjourned but apparently the power play could never stop.

“Comrade Charkov,” Boris gave him a nod.

“That professor of yours, professor Legasov,” Charkov said evenly, “is indeed very interesting.”

“Oh, how?” Boris casually replied.

“Just now, he came to me, wondering why his associate was arrested,” Charkov let out a dry laugh. “He’s naive. I can see why you like to keep him around.”

Boris flushed and walked to the sink. “We need Ulana Khomyuk. She’s investigating the cause of the incident. Those witnesses won’t last long. If she can’t get to them quickly, probably we’ll never know what happened that night.”

“I see. Legasov is willing to be accountable for her. So I think Khomyuk will be back to her work very soon.” Charkov zipped up.

“Thank you.” Boris didn’t even give him a glance. He pasted Charkov and walked straight to the door.

“And comrade Shcherbina,” Charkov said behind him. “Do keep your pet on a leash. If he finds himself in Lubyanka, I think there’s no one, including you, will be able to be accountable for him.”

 

9.Hope

Hope is like a seed in the forest. No one knows when it was planted in the soil, or when it sprouted. After the first spring rains, it finally peeked out of the ground. It grows leaves and branches, safely stays away from the hoofs of horses and the tooth of rabbits. It flourishes, stretching itself under the sun.

When the moon rover made its first push on the roof, Boris saw hope in Valery’s eyes for the first time. This is not simple joy, but a yearning and longing for the future, even a strong will to live. He had no idea how hard-earned this hope could be, like that seed in the forest.

Since his second month in Pripyat, Valery started to lose sleep. He knew this was not due to strain or overwork, but the radiation. Those atoms he’s so familiar with penetrates the wall, the curtains, the bed. Every time when he was about to fall asleep, he felt pain, in his body, in his mind.

When he couldn’t sleep, he would start thinking and looking back upon those minor details in the past. He would remember his childhood in Tula, the family warmth during wartime; he would remember his youth in Moscow, the zeal for science devoted to his motherland; he would sometimes remember his job, his lab, his students. He might had been too harsh on those youngsters, he thought so regretfully.

He would think about here, Chernobyl. He thought constantly about those young men living in tents around here. He often could hear their banters on the way to the cafeteria tent, but he seldom interacted with them, maybe it was because he lacked the courage. He would think about Ulana who was in Moscow. He wishes her every bit of luck.

However, he didn’t need to think abut Shcherbina, who was in every part of his life right now. His half-empty pack of cigarette was because Shcherbina always took some without asking. The striped tie in his closet belonged to Shcherbina, who basically threw it to him back in Moscow. His own had gotten some stew stains on it. Only when they were back in Moscow for reporting could he finally have something decent to eat. The vodka on his nightstand was his birthday present from Shcherbina. Not until Shcherbina magically drew the bottle out of nowhere in their car back to the hotel that day, did Valery remember it was his birthday.

His eyes had crossed with Shcherbina’s eyes, hands touched hands and shoulders bumped shoulders. It was an affectionate hug.

But don’t forget hope resides in pandora’s box with all the other horrible things.

When the West Germany police robot died on that roof, the goddess of hope left Chernobyl.

“You bunch of fucking geniuses! Look what you’ve fucking done!” Valery stood outside the trailer, listening to Shcherbina shouting into the phone. He suddenly remembered a boy he met when he was young. The boy’s toy car slipped into the lake. His mom wouldn’t let him get it. This little boy could only see his car slowly drowning in the water. Suddenly he used all the vile languages he could think of to curse the lake. “You stupid silly lake!” He shouted at the water. But there wasn’t even a wave across that calm surface.

In a distance from the office, the soldiers were cutting down trees, as he suggested to the committee, burying them underground.

“We’ll use biorobots,” Valery said slowly and solemnly.

His tree of hope fell with a huge bang.

 

10\. Courage

It takes courage to drive 400 km all the way towards an open nuclear reactor.

It takes courage to defy your superior and even your superior’s superior.

It takes courage to believe in someone you barely knew and go down a road together with no turning back.

Courage is nothing yet everything when it comes to your life, your job, your love.

“To hell with your deal. To hell with our lives. Someone has to start telling the truth.”

They fell into silence. Shcherbina sat down again, leaning forward, resting elbows on his knees. Valery averted his gaze and looked outside the window. It started snowing. Over the roof of the abandoned hospital, over the bare forest, silent and soft, out of the vast grey sky above, descended those small flakes of ice.

Ulana walked down the stairs and left. The snow fell on her hair, her scarf and her coat. She looked pure and divine just like this blessed natural phenomenon.

“This is how this system works, Valery. If you haven’t known it already, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be anywhere,” Shcherbina said hoarsely. He looked up and stared straight into Valery’s eyes.

“Yeah, I know.” Valery gave him a small wry smile.

“Charkov thought you were naive. But in fact, you are not.” Shcherbina looked at him with almost some tenderness. “You are many things, Valera, but never naive.”

“You have seen my files,” Valery said matter-of-factly. “You know what I have done all these years. I’ve been mingling with party men for too long that I’ve already become one. I’ve done many things I’m not proud of, just to climb up the ladder, to get to the top.”

“You are not one of us. You are so much better than being one of us,” Shcherbina said adamantly.

“Boris, you don’t have to defend me. I’m not as good as you think. I’ve ruined people, decent people, crushing their hopes and dreams, to get fundings, equipments,” Valery sighed, he shook his head,“honors. I don’t know why you think so highly of me. But I’m not. At the end of the day, I’m just yet another pathetic fool who steps on others to get ahead in life.”

Shcherbina stood up and walked over to put a hand on his right shoulder. “Ever since we came here, I’ve seen so much in you, Valera, so many wonderful qualities that can often dim in such dark hours. I’m not denying your past. Others may have done much worse deeds in your position. I’m talking about now. You are an extraordinary man, Valera.”

Valery’s lips quivered. He tried to say something, to tell Boris he’s not the man Boris thinks he is, to show Boris that he’s even worse than what’s in his files.

He got away from Boris’s touch, “You don’t understand. There’re things you don’t know about me. Depraved, disgusting things that will turn your stomach. I’m not worth what you just said. It’s because you haven’t seen the whole of me. ”

“Then show me,” Boris said firmly.

“I, I…”

That is the moment he’s been waiting for, longing for, craving for. He has imagined this many times in his head. It just takes some courage to get the words out.

“I’m sorry. I can’t.” Valery shook his head in pain. He can’t say it out loud. He never can. This could change everything Boris thinks about him. He can’t bear the consequences.

Boris took one step forward and suddenly surrounded him in a tight embrace. “I knew. I figured it out somehow.”

Valery put his arms around Boris’s waist, hugging him back. Hot tears stained Boris’s wool coat.

“Shhhhhh…” Boris stroked Valery’s hair, and whispered to his ear, “it’s all right. It’s all right.”

“No, it’s not.” Valery sobbed. “It will never be all right.”

Boris said nothing but held him tighter.

 

11\. Love

I don’t know what I should talk about—about death or about love. Or are they the same? Which one should I talk about?

It happened in March, when the wind was still chilly and yet the sun shined brighter. People in winter coats walking on the streets gradually settled into this new year, though nothing had really changed.

They just got off the plane back from Vienna and shared a car on the way to their residences. It was a triumph, in a sense, but neither of them really felt it. They were worn out from the flight, from the conference, from almost everything happened in the past year. They barely talked during the ride, sitting together in the backseat, all staring silently out of the car windows to take in the lively streets of Moscow, until the car pulled up across the street from Valery’s apartment building.

“Would you like to have a drink inside?” Valery casually asked before opening the door.

“Why not?” Boris responded. He followed Valery out of the car and told the driver to send his luggages back home then wait for further notice to pick him up.

Boris helped Valery with some of his luggages. Up the stairs he could hear children crying, muffled television noises and even young couples arguing. This by no means can be compared to where Boris lives.

A young man opened the door when they passed his doorstep. He didn’t greet them nor did Valery greet him back.

“You don’t know your neighbors?” Boris asked quietly while waiting for Valery to open the door.

“No.” Valery shook his head.

“So this is where you live.” Boris put down the holdall by the door as Valery gestured. He quickly scanned the living room. Everything was not in order. Shirts on the sofa, books on the floor, cups on the chairs. There was a dusty smell in the air.

“Sorry, it’s a bit messy. I haven’t really got time to… sort it out.” Valery seemed embarrassed by the state of his apartment. He quickly cleaned up half the sofa and offered Boris a seat.

“You are a pig, Valery. I even know pigs cleaner than you are.” Boris sat down, staring at a thick layer of dust on the coffee table.

“Yeah, unlike someone, I don’t have maids at my command whenever I want.” Valery drew opened the curtains and pushed up the window to let fresh airs in.

“It’s not maids. It’s an elderly woman, named Maya, who brings me teas, folds up my shirts, helps around.”

“Exactly.” Valery gave him a look. He managed to find two clean cups in the kitchen and locate one bottle of vodka on the book selves.

“Glad to be back. God I hate Vienna. It felt so empty and aloof.” Boris took a sip from the drink given to him and leaned back, “Germans. It’s always hard to get to them. But I’m glad we did in 1945.”

Valery laughed at the small joke. He dragged over a chair and sat across Boris, their knees slightly touching each other. No one said anything.

“I thought you said you have a cat. Where is it? Maybe buried in another pile of your garbage?” Boris mocked him.

“Oh yes, Katya. She’s at a neighbor’s. Very kind woman.”

As if just to prove him wrong, the cat meowed from behind the sofa.

“Look who’s this?” Boris looked from his shoulder and found the tabby cautiously observing him in the dark.

“Katya, come here,” Valery called.

The cat quietly came out then walked over to Valery who bent down to pick her up and gently stoke her fur.

“You’re in her usual seat. And she’s very fond of it.”

“Sorry but looks like you’ll have to live with it for now,” Boris said to Katya.

Katya jumped down from Valery’s laps and disappeared into the kitchen.

“Don’t take it personally. She’s not used to others hogging my attention. Usually it’s just me and her in here,” Valery said while filling Boris’s cup.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, enjoying their drinks.

The room’s getting cold with the windows open. Valery stood up by using Boris’s left knee for support. He quickly realized what he had done and apologized awkwardly.

“I’m sorry. It’s um… I’m sorry, I forget myself.”

Valery went to the windows to close them. It was getting dark outside. He saw his own reflections on the window, then Boris’s.

He slowly turned around and found Boris behind him, almost trapping him. Boris raised his arms and drew the curtains together above Valery’s head, never breaking eye contact.

They should say something, anything to explain themselves. But many things in the world don’t have reasons to exist and nor does this moment.

Lips on lips. Hands wandering all over. Glasses carelessly threw aside. Ties loosen. Shirts untucked from the waistbands. Warm breaths on pulses. Silent little cries from the back of the throat. Names at the tips of tongues.

“Boris… Boris…”

When it was over, they were lying together on Valery’s bed, under a blanket.

“For a moment, I thought I killed you.” Valery turned to see Boris already propped himself up on one elbow, gazing at him.

“You could.” Boris ran his fingers through Valery’s ginger hair and pushed one little strand of it back.

“You know, my father was a career party man.” Valery kissed Boris’s palm.

“Don’t you think that it’s a strange time to talk about your father.” Boris smiled.

“Yes, I guess it is.” Valery smiled back.

“Tell me about your father then. Was he a good career party man or just like us?”

“He was… respected by many.” Valery chose his words carefully. “He did things, for the country, for himself, for us. He was a good career party man but I don’t think he was a good man.”

Boris watched Valery closely with every bit of tenderness in his eyes, encouraging him to continue.

“We really haven’t gotten along since I got older. He caught me kissing another boy when I was 16.” A bitter smile appeared on Valery’s face. “I ran away from home, to Moscow, to study physiochemical engineering. I seldom returned, even when he was sick and dying.”

Valery fell on his back and stared at the ceiling.

"I was supposed to follow his steps to become a career party man like himself. I used to look up to him. He was everything I wanted to be. I’ve disappointed him. I’ve been disappointing him since that afternoon when he caught me with my classmate in my room.”

“He would be proud of you, Valera. You’ll be among the top ten scientists in the world after Vienna,” Boris leaned in closer and whispered.

“He wouldn’t. He never would.” Valery looked up at Boris with tears at the corner of his eyes. “But I miss him so much.”

Boris took Valery into his arms again, kissing the top of Valery’s head.

If only time could stop at this moment, the cat never fell onto the floor, newsreader’s face frozen on the screen, and children’s crying stopped. If only.

“I have to go,” Boris said after a while. “We need to be cautious.”

He buttoned his shirt, pulled up his trousers and put on his braces. Valery sat on the bed, watching all of these with amazement in his eyes.

He’s lovely, Valery thought.

Boris leaned in again and kissed him on the lips.

Boris coughed. He may have caught a cold. “Ahem, I’ll see you later, our new director of the Kurchatov Institute.” Boris said before walking out of the door.

For a moment, Valery saw his father standing in the corridor, watching him with an inscrutable expression.

“Are you proud, dad?”

Alexei Legasov shook his head in the dark.

  
After thirteen months, Valery saw his father again, next to him, in the air.

“I’m proud of you, son. I’m so proud of you.”

“I love you, dad.”

“I love you too, Valera.”

And then it all went bright.

END

 

\---

 

And... a little bonus scene. This came to me when I just finished translating the last two parts back to Chinese. Harmless fluff.

"I'm done with this, Valery, you can't live like this！" Boris groaned. Just when he was pushed onto the sofa, he sat on a thermo. "I'd rather you bring men home. At least maybe you'll have the decency to clean up your mess."

Valery crossed his arms and frowned at Boris, "well, good, remember the one from Moscow University? The one teaches Russian Literature. He's been itchy to meet up lately. He's twenty years younger than you are. Nice bushy brown hair. I don't think he'd mind fucking me in 'this'."

"No one wants to fuck you in this, Legasov." Boris shot Valery his best dark glare and put down the Thermo in his hand on the coffee table. "Except me. And he's only what? Twelve years younger than me? Don't exaggerate."

"Well, I don't know about that. But we do need to find somewhere neat." Valery brushed some of the bread crumbs from his trousers, and extended his hand to Boris, "right, pop?"

**Author's Note:**

> Oh and fuckety fuck, if you're wondering why it's named "Dancing in the light"
> 
> I actually was thinking something like they dancing to some music in the hotel banquet room with the radiation blue glow outside the window before started this fic after I watched episode 2. And then I found out they put out the fire pretty soon and my story still hadn't build up enough for this to happen. So yeah, if you allow me to improvise a bit, we heard these words from Valery in his final testimony
> 
> "This is the invisible dance that powers entire cities without smoke or flame. And it is beautiful..."
> 
> You can think that "dancing in the light" is actually those water/control rods/steam/atoms dancing inside the core in a sweet and marvelous balance, just like Boris and Valery, two very different men, fire and water, but they were in this together, balancing each other off, helping each other out, being the love of life of each other. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is their dance in the light.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk. I should really go bang my head to the wall for not even mentioning the title for once in my fic.


End file.
